


A big, complicated word.

by kingstonmcbride



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-06
Updated: 2012-08-06
Packaged: 2017-11-11 14:23:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/479460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingstonmcbride/pseuds/kingstonmcbride
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor, in the hours after seeing River for the last time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A big, complicated word.

He marked her _departure_ – he couldn’t use the word ‘death’- with a fitting tribute that he knew she would have appreciated.

Sitting in the open doorway of the TARDIS, he watched as his ship sent ribbons of colour bursting through the stars. Bright and startling, loud and bold. _B_ _eautiful_ , just like she had been. The tears did not seem to want to stop coming. And he was fine with that. What had he called it that day when he had visited her parent’s house? That day when she had turned up just after him, looking radiant, happy and so very alive.

_(“Humany wumany”.)_

He leaned against the door and felt the TARDIS thrum in response. She was mourning too. For the child that she had been a part of. Part time lady, created in the vortex with love and starlight and hope.

He raised her scarf to his face and it's scent invaded his senses. Unique and familiar, and now just a memory. He remembered gently wrapping it around her as he had picked her up for the last time. They had made love under the moonlight, the music of the towers filling the skies. And he had committed every sigh, moan and gasp to memory, whispering endearments into her skin, and wishing with _every_ fibre of his being that they could change who they were tonight. That he could stop what was going to happen, and keep her with him.

_(“You watch us run.”)_

She had known something was wrong. Her lovely, intelligent eyes filled with worry as he kissed her and left.

And now she was gone.

How was that _possible_? How could someone with so much life and strength, just not be here anymore?

“Oh, River.” He sighed softly.

The display outside was coming to an end. He had to leave. Move on, travel, visit more worlds, more times. Without her.

He’d done it before. He’d lost so _many_ people that he loved. This felt different. Maybe it was this body, this mind, their connection? Or maybe, it was just because he felt so _old_. A very long time ago, River had given him back his life. Breathed her essence into this body and sacrificed a part of her future, willingly.

 _(“Mother, I had to try.”)_ __

She was gone, and it felt like she had taken this body with her. Like his two ancient hearts had no use anymore. This body belonged with her, always. He had known it since that day that she had crashed into the TARDIS. All curves and heels, bossing him around and flying _his_ ship. The instant frisson between them, the way her smile made him feel all wibbly. The way their bodies fit together for all of their nights. This version of him was hers, and she was his.

He felt the TARDIS flutter against his mind and he gasped, jumping up.

“Oh, sexy! I am stupid. Old and _stupid_. But that's it!”

He jumped up and bounced towards the console, flicking levers.

“Time can’t be rewritten, but I can choose my _own_ fate, just as she did. And I can choose _this_. Choose _her_.”

The TARDIS sprung into life, spinning across time and space, for one last time, towards their final destination. A man and his box, off to a new life, and the one adventure he had thought he could never have.

 _(Now and then, every once in a very long while, every day in a million days, when the wind stands fair, and the Doctor comes to call, everybody lives.”)_ __

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a depressing idea that popped into my head a few hours ago. I just wanted to play with the idea of the Doctor and his thoughts about his own mortality, and whether a life without joy would be better than joining River in the library.


End file.
